


Ever after never came

by faeyydom, GaneWhoo



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse, Angst, Character Study, F/F, Suicide, Wedding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-03
Updated: 2016-05-03
Packaged: 2018-06-05 16:40:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,787
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6712795
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/faeyydom/pseuds/faeyydom, https://archiveofourown.org/users/GaneWhoo/pseuds/GaneWhoo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em>She is ready. She wants this this wedding to be over, so she can take Kara home and call her her wife. She can't wait.</em>
</p><p>  <em>All Kara has to do is show up. And she will. </em></p><p>She didn't, and it destroyed Cat.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ever after never came

**Author's Note:**

> We met while watching a very weird movie one fateful Saturday night. (the things we do for you, Calista…) When someone suggested one of our beloved pair died, we found out that we both like angst. A lot. This is the result, enjoy. 
> 
> But be warned, when we say angst, we mean angst. People die, and you’re going to need a magnifying glass to find the fluff. (it is in there somewhere, trust us) So, grab some tissues, and may the force be with you.

**There are some things in life**

**You can't replace**

**A love like ours don't happen twice**

**When all her days are through**

**Mine will be too**

**…**

 

**August 21st, 2029 Present day**

She sits on the edge with her legs dangling off, facing the city. A glass of wine balancing on the thin ledge on her right. If she is going to do this, she might as well pick a place with a view. She smiles bitterly and drops her chin to her chest, eyes finding the streets below her.

She looks down at the road bathed in the city lights and the people scurrying around like a thousand tiny ants. She feels strangely disconnected from it all. That surprises her, she was always so invested in _her_ city, _her_ people. But all she can think of now is Kara, and everything else pales in comparison.

 _Her Kara._ So much more important than all the other people walking and breathing around her. For the millionth time since that day, she wonders if she could have prevented it. If she overlooked the tiniest detail that could have made it all different. But even after ten years of watching it play out endlessly in her head, it always ends the same way. It never gets any easier.

She lets out a shaky breath and tangles her fingers in her hair as her mind involuntarily takes her back to that dreadful day.

*****

**August 21st, 2019**

“ _Oh my god, Cat! Have you met Kara? She wouldn’t be late on her own wedding day solely for the reason of not making you wait. She will show up, now stop pacing. You’re driving me crazy.”_

 _Cat purses her lips and continues her circle around the room. She knows that Lucy is right, Kara was never late if it involved Cat. But she couldn’t help the doubts from slipping into her thoughts. What if she changed her mind? What if she didn’t want to marry someone like her? All the possible_ what ifs _were running around in her head, and nothing Lucy could say would calm them down._

_She had been let down often enough, and she could almost feel her old defences come up. But if she thinks rationally, she knows it was never Kara who disappointed her._

“ _Hey,” Lucy places a hand on Cat's shoulder, Cat hadn’t even heard her approaching. “You don’t have to worry, you know. She is head over heels in love with you. She's going to marry you today, Cat. And you are going to marry her.”_

_Cat drops her shoulders, releasing the tension a little. “I know,” she looks up and finds Lucy's eyes staring back at her gently, “but what if-”_

“ _Cat, please! If you say 'what if' one more time I swear you’re going to have to find a new maid of honour,” she looks down at her watch on her wrist, “30 minutes before you’re going to get married.”_

_Cat smiles and lightly punches Lucy on her arm, “Shut up. I know you secretly love tending my every need.”_

“ _No, that’s Kara's job. I just enjoy seeing you lose your shit over the smallest things imaginable.”_

_Cat huffed, “I do not do that.”_

“ _Sure you don't, whatever you say.” Lucy winks. “Who could have guessed the Queen of all media would be such a control freak. No one would ever see that coming.”_

_Cat ignores Lucy's sarcastic comment and rolls her eyes. She turns back to the mirror in the corner of the room and looks herself up and down. She looks good. Kara is going to be blown away, or so Cat hopes._

_She is ready. She wants this this wedding to be over, so she can take Kara home and call her her wife. She can't wait._

_All Kara has to do is show up._ And she will.

*

**Present day**

The thing is, she didn’t. Kara never showed up at the town hall where Cat waited.

She never came. At first Cat believed she'd gotten cold feet and had run off in the opposite direction. Cat could have lived with that, if that was what happened. It would have been so much easier than what actually went down that day.

She brings her glass of wine to her lips and takes a long sip, not really caring how drunk she gets tonight. It’s not like it matters anyway. This is her fifth glass so far, and she has no intention of stopping any time soon. The alcohol is coursing through her veins and it makes her vision blur at the edges. She feels lighter and less sad, but at the same time it makes her sick to her stomach.

This is what it had come to, after ten years of suffering every single day. Cat feels pathetic, her whole life had been one big cliché since she lost the love of her life. From emotional drinking in the middle of the day, to uncontrollable crying fits every night. The crying had stopped after a few months, and made place for numbness and sleepless nights that seemed to go on forever. She didn’t know which was worse.

*

**August 21st, 2019**

Four hours. Kara Zor-El Danvers soon to be Grant, is four hours late.

_“I will kill her, I swear” Cat erupts. She is pacing the floor in full fury mood, her eyes burning with pure rage and her face defying anyone to go against her._

_Lucy swallows hard but doesn’t say anything, knowing all too well how Cat could be in her current state of mind._

_To be honest, the brunette is starting to worry about Kara. It wasn’t like her to be late and especially not without any warning or explanation. Kara had always been punctual. Unless she was away on Supergirl duty, but even then she managed to be on time._

_Something is wrong._

_James glances at her with a questioning look but she shakes her head no. He keeps asking if she has news, every few minutes and it is starting to get on her nerves. This whole wedding is turning into a nightmare._

_Suddenly, her phone begins to ring and she lets out a relieved sigh. It’s Alex, finally._

_She picks up. “Please tell me you’re almost here, Cat is going to kill us all if she has to wait one more minute”, she says with an annoyed groan._

_The silence on the other end of the line tells her that something is indeed very wrong. Her heart misses a beat. Then another. Very anxiously, she asks “Alex?”_

_“She’s gone.” Alex’s voice is dull, almost automatic. Like she isn’t really herself. Confused, Lucy frowns. She wants to ask but deep down she already understands what Alex is saying._

_“Kara is dead.”_

_She drops the phone, breath coming out of her lungs as pain washes over her._

_It is a strange feeling. Both painful and distant, like something not quite real yet. An emptiness in her heart that isn’t fully developed but going there. She finds it hard to swallow but she doesn’t cry. Instead, she picks up her phone from the ground and asks, “What happened?”_

_She listens to Alex, hearing the story of the accident. A stupid car, blowing up the powerless hero as she was trying to save someone. Kara is gone._

_Lucy tries to swallow again, in vain._

_Cat._

_“Oh my god, Cat.” she lets out a sob and hears Alex’s breath hitched. Then, she hears a small cry and Alex starts sobbing uncontrollably. Lucy asks her “Where are you? I’ll send Astra pick you up and I … I will tell Cat.”_

_Alex gives her the name of the hospital she is staying for a check-up and Lucy walks to find the Kryptonian woman._

_She had grown to like the former general since Alex started to date her. They aren’t really friends but they liked each other and their love for Kara was binding them all together._

_But Kara is gone._

_She finds Cat still pacing around the room, but her anger is melting away and worry is beginning to take over. Her eyes are unfocused and she looks at her cell phone every few seconds, waiting for a call that would never come._

_Lucy clenches her jaw and blinks rapidly to hold her tears at bay. The last thing she needs right now is to burst into a sobbing mess. She has to be strong, at least for now. Ever so tentatively, she calls out to the queen of all media._

_“Cat?”_

_The short blond haired woman looks up and horror washes over her features. Lucy sees all color disappear from Cat’s face and she looks paler than a white sheet. She knows._

_Lucy has the feeling that Cat had known since the minute Kara was late. She just wouldn’t acknowledged it. But facing the younger Lane, Cat knew immediately._

_“No.” It’s not a question, it’s a full Cat Grant injunction. Her voice is sharp and cold, her eyes full of denial and Lucy winces. She opens her mouth to say something but Cat says it again. “No.”_

_But tears begins to veil her green eyes, denial making place for terror, sadness, despair, rage and pleading. Lucy watches in silence. She couldn’t summon the courage to say anything and she knows it wouldn’t be much help anyway._

_A phone flies through the room, splashing against a wall and falling to the ground with a dull thud. It is broken in a few small pieces, but it doesn’t matter and Lucy stands still in her spot, her broken heart aching for the woman in front of her._

_“She’s not …” Cat suffocates, unable to say the word. So, bravely and with a low voice Lucy says it for her._

_“She’s dead, Cat. Kara is dead.”_

_The word hangs in the air, like a curse, an unthinkable bad thing, the echo of it going on and on and on._

_For a moment, Cat doesn’t move. At all. She stands, immobile and quiet, right there. It is like time stopped for her, allowing her to take a deep breath but she couldn’t. The air had gone with Kara, with her dead soon to be wife, with the love of her life. She stays, eyes wide but empty, on her spot, facing Lucy._

_Then, she screams._

_It is deafening._

_Inhumanly deafening and for a second, Lucy thinks about the Silver Banshee._

_But Cat’s cry is filled with so many feelings, it is heart wrenching. That scream conveys all the love Cat still had for a woman that is now gone, the pain of knowing she will never be able to hold her again, to hear her giggling, to smell her sweet, almost childish perfume and to see her smile. That scream expresses agony beyond anything imaginable, it is a heart brutally ripped apart and broken all over again, in a never ending circle._

_Because Kara Zor-El Danvers, soon to be Grant, is gone forever, leaving behind her a broken fiancée, a damaged son, a sister and a mother, a surviving aunt and a handful of equally sad friends._

_She was dead._

*

**Present day**

The days after the should have been wedding, Cat had slipped in and out of consciousness. The amount of alcohol and Xanax in her bloodstream hadn’t exactly helped. Carter was with his dad, simply because Cat couldn't get out of bed. She vaguely remembers other people coming over, cleaning up the empty bottles and glasses that were littered all around the room, and picking up the crumpled up tissues from the floor.

Now that she thinks back to it, she realizes what an emotional wreck she had been in the days between the accident and the funeral. She feels guilty for not being there for Carter, for completely blocking everyone and everything out o the point where she wasn't much more than an unresponsive body lying in her bed.

Back then she had been selfish, completely and utterly selfish. She had pushed everyone so far away that she hadn’t even realized Carter’s pain until the day of the funeral. She feels stupid for not seeing it sooner, for not being there for Carter who had needed her just as much as she needed him.

A tear rolls down her cheek and she hastily wipes it away. She doesn't like to think back to those painful days, weeks and months. But for some reason she feels like she has to. After tonight it won't matter anymore anyway.

She can’t remember how she got home the day of the wedding. She has no recollection of the way back, who drove and who helped her into the elevator and through her door. The only thing she remembers is the horrible emptiness she had felt.

The way her heart seemed to beat out of sync with the rest of her body. The way her head felt like it was filled with cotton candy and her nose and throat gave the sensations of being rubbed down with sandpaper.

It had all soon started to ease out with the help of her supply of sedatives she always kept on hand. She doesn't know how many pills she had taken that first night, but it had been enough to knock her out for a whole day. The days after that hadn't been much better.

Thinking back to it all now, she wonders what Kara would have done if it had been Cat that had died. She wraps her arms around her waist as she ponders about what, in her opinion, should have happened.

Cat had lived a somewhat short, but still rather fulfilling life. She had raised a son, build up her own media empire and branded her own superhero. It would have been fairer to the world if she had died instead of Kara.

Kara had been so young still, a whole life ahead of her. The people of National City depended on her to save them if tragedy struck. She had a family that loved her, friends that adored her. She had been worth so much more than Cat Grant. And yet the universe made a different call.

Kara would have been a wonderful mother to Carter. She wouldn't black out for days on end, drunk on alcohol and numb from the sedatives. She would have stayed strong, not matter the circumstances.

Cat even felt that Kara would have been a better mom to Carter than she could have ever been. That thought startled her, it wasn't like her to be insecure about how she raised her son. She was proud of Carter, and being his mother was the biggest accomplishment in her life. Yet that strange thought wouldn't leave her, no matter how hard she tried to shake it off. _Must be the alcohol,_ she thought, _I can’t even think straight anymore._

Kara had coaxed the young boy out of his shell without even trying. Carter felt comfortable with her, and most important of all, Kara wouldn’t depend on Carter the way Cat had done.

If Cat had died, she just knows that Kara and Carter would have fought together and come out stronger on the other end. They would be a team and help each other process what happened.

Carter and Cat hadn't fought together, but both gone their own separate ways. Carter had gotten stronger over time, Cat had only sunk deeper into her own despair. They didn't amplify each other's strengths, on the contrary, Cat had weighed down so heavily on Carter that the poor boy had struggled to get out from underneath her.

But now it would all be over soon. Carter would be able to move on from this, Cat was sure.

She takes another sip and looks out onto the sleeping city.

*

**August, 24th, 2019**

The sun was up and hot in a perfect blue sky.

Of course, _Cat thought with bitterness,_ it would be a sunny day for Supergirl’s funeral. Because the universe just loved the irony in that.

_Alex had asked her to come but she’d said no. Then, a day later Carter had asked the same thing._

_So, here she is, under the too bright sun of National City, standing next to a hole in the ground of the cemetery. She is perfectly still as she watches an elegant but empty coffin going down. She’s wearing black up to the big dark sunglasses and the only touch of color is her hair, almost white under the blinding sunlight._

_Even with her opaque sunglasses, her eyes are sore from the light reflecting on the rich wood of the coffin. In order to rest them a bit, she looks up to the surprisingly small assembly of people._

_First, she sees Witt, the cardigan hobbit, wearing a full suit for the tragic occasion. He’s sobbing quietly. A little further to the left, a blank looking James Olsen and a very sad Lucy Lane are standing, not making any physical contact._

_To the left, Cat’s eyes falls on Eliza Danvers, who had crossed her arms around herself like she was trying not to fall apart. Tears are running down on her cheeks but no sound escapes her lips._

_And then, standing perfectly immobile next to a very, very angry Alex, is Astra. Cat catches her breath at the sight of the only Kryptonian woman left._

_Cat is dealing with her own sorrows and she isn’t fond of the alien, but she couldn’t help feeling sorry for the former General. Because the woman had already lost everything once._

_Astra had been an adult when Krypton died. She had lost colleagues, friends and worst, she had thought her whole family was gone. And even with a Kryptonian husband by her side, she must have lost the feeling of belonging somewhere, to a place called home._

_Then, on Earth, she had found Kara. She had found a living member of her biological family and a vivid reminder of that place; home._

_She had lost Non in the process of trying to reform a bond with her niece. Another loss, yes, but it hadn’t mattered so much back then. Because she had found Kara and she was back to building a relationship with her niece. With Kara, the former general had found hope, which had led to Alex and to a surprising relationship. Eventually, it had led to love._

_Yet, here she is, next to an empty coffin and her eyes filled with so much sadness and emptiness that it is painful to watch._

_Because the Little one is gone. Kara Zor-El Danvers is dead and now, Astra is the only Kryptonian woman and the only survivor of her family left. Her bond with Kal-El had never been very strong, he had only been a baby when Krypton died._

No, Astra was alone now, _Cat tells herself._

_Even with Alex by her side, the former general is alone with her memories of Krypton, of a baby with bright blue eyes, of a young beautiful girl she thought she had lost when her planet exploded. And finally, after just getting her back, she had lost her._

Because Supergirl was dead. _The painful thought echoes endlessly in Cat’s head._

 _Suddenly, Cat could hear another echo in her desperate mind. A voice she will never be able to hear anymore is whispering something:_ You have been the sun of our lives. Our prayers will be the sun that lights your journey home. We will remember you every dawn and await the night to join you in the sky. Rao's will be done.

_The words that seemed beautiful but meaningless at the time hit her like a train wreck._

_Looking up through the endless blue sky, she thought of the Kryptonian funeral rites. It is custom for a woman to pronounce the religious prayer for the dead and Cat wonders, for just a second, if Astra will do it. She knows Kal-El will be here. She knows that an empty pod will be send into space. She knows all of that and yet, it seemed almost unreal. To her, it is like a faraway dream caught in a peaceful sleepy mind._

If only _. She bites down her lip as a vain attempt to distract her mind from those painful thoughts._

_Cat hears a small sniffing sound next to her and she lowers her eyes to Carter. Her sweet, innocent baby boy._

_He’s standing still by her side, a hand clutched in one of hers. He, too, is wearing black but no sunglasses and Cat could see the tears welling up in those sad blues eyes as he was blinking too fast, obviously trying to hold them back._

_Not for the first time in the last few days, Cat wants to yell. She wants to scream at Kara for making her son, their son, so sad, for putting him through this. Hell, for putting both of them through this tragedy. She wants to shout her anger at her young and naïve assistant, for daring to die on their wedding day, for leaving them alone but mostly, for leaving her._

_She wants to be mad at the girl who died trying to be a hero but even now, she couldn’t blame Kara._

_Because she loved every parts of Kara Danvers, and the hero thing was one of those._

_Not caring about the others, she kneels in front of her baby boy and reaches for his face with both hands. Softly, she brushes her thumbs across his skin._

_“It’s okay to cry, sweetheart. You know that, right?” she asks in a low, raspy voice. He nods but then answers in a similar tone “But … you’re not crying, Mom.”_

_She couldn’t muster a smile so she tries to convey her love and understanding in her look as she tells him “Oh, but I will. I can’t cry now but eventually, I will.”_

_He’s so smart, so caring. Carter nods again and smiles a little. A shy, broken smile but a smile anyway._

_He murmurs “I know, Mom. I know.”_

_Still, neither of them cries that day._

_It was a bright, hot day in National City and for now, only a few people knew that Supergirl would never come back._

_Because she was dead._

_*_

**Present day**

She drains the last drops from her glass and she puts it down with force. Why she even still bothered with a glass is beyond her. She picks the bottle up and brings it to her lips, taking a few sips. The alcohol burns in her throat and it makes her eyes tear up. She drinks to the point of having to put it down simply to breath.

There is only a little left and she gets up to find a new bottle, chucking the empty one in the sink. Her movements feel slow and she has trouble focusing on where she walks, almost bumping into the doorframe.

These days she keeps her booze close by for occasions like this. She knows that there must be something in her office, so she makes her way through the dark hallway. She doesn't have to look very far before she finds a half empty bottle of vodka sticking out her open desk drawer.

As she tries to yank it out, her eyes fall on an open folder on her desk. Pages sticking out randomly, as if someone had gone through it without putting it back where it belonged. She can't even remember when she did that, or more importantly, why.

She sinks down on her chair, letting the bottle she previously held in her hand drop to the floor. She blinks her eyes a couple times to clear her vision. Her head is still swimming, but now that she’s sitting down it's easier to focus on the things in front of her.

She lets her hands roam over the light brown paper that holds the pages that she can't remember going through. She holds her breath when she opens it, not knowing what she can expect to find. When she reads what's in front of her her breath hitches.

In front of her is the last article she wrote. The article about Supergirl’s death.

*

**September 1st, 2019**

_Cat looks at her screen, glasses perched on the tip of her nose. She’s trying very hard to make it feel like she is just writing a normal article. She has written hundreds in her journalism career, and this one shouldn't be any different. But it is._

_She lets her fingers rest on the keys, staring aimlessly at the flickering cursor. The page is just as blank as it was fifteen minutes ago, but her glass of wine is half as empty._

_She waves her brand new assistent over and watches as the young man stumbles towards her. She sneers at him to refill her glass, not even caring about the curious looks people give her. She had never been one to openly drink during office hours, but following her own rules doesn't feel as important anymore._

_He manages to pour the wine into her glass without spilling anything, which almost disappoints her. Screaming at her employees, especially her assistant, has been the only form of relief for her lately. So instead she tells him to close the door on his way out and she sinks her nails into the palms of her hands. It's not hard enough to draw blood, but the pinching pain grounds her._

_Directing her attention back to her laptop she sighs. It was her own choice to write this article, she wouldn't trust anyone but herself to do it right. But now that she actually has to do it, she would rather just crawl into a hole and die._

_She almost considers asking someone else to do it, but she knows they'll never be able to catch Kara as she was, as Cat knew her. So she rubs her temples with her fingers and straightens her back, pushing her glasses up higher on her nose._

_Kara deserves to go out like the hero she was, still is, in Cat’s eyes. But somehow the words don’t do her justice. There is no way Cat could give Supergirl the exit she wants her to have. Not without telling the whole world about the wonderful person that was behind the mask of their beloved superhero._

_But even now after all that had happened, Cat knows the world doesn't deserve to know about Kara Danvers. Kara was hers, she belonged to her family. Supergirl belonged to the public in a way. Even if Cat exposed her now, she knows most of the people wouldn't care anyway. Supergirl was their role model, why would they want to know about the more vulnerable girl behind the S on her chest?_

_She bring her hand to the cup filled with M &M’s and crushes them between her molars. Chocolate usually helps her when she needs to write a particularly difficult article, but nothing seems to help her with this one. _

_Determined to write something beautiful for the woman she loves, she gets to work._

_Once she gets started, the words keep flowing and it feels like her fingers are flying over her keyboard. She blocks out the sounds around her and her glass of wine is long forgotten._

_She has to pause multiple times to take a breath and keep her emotions in check. Even though she has written about victims in war zones and orphaned children, this is still the hardest thing she ever had to write. She manages to keep her eyes dry the entire time, but when she types the final words she notices that her hands are shaking._

_She re-reads the whole thing three times, correcting mistakes and generally making sure it flows well. Getting it proof read feels a bit odd for such a senior journalist, but she emails it to Lucy anyway._

_With a shuddering breath she leans back into her chair, taking her glasses off and rubbing at her tired eyes. She feels like she’s going to break down any second, so without any further words to her assistant, she gets her purse and leaves the building._

_The article she just wrote will be published in tomorrow’s issue, and Cat already knows that she won't leave the house that day._

*

**Present day**

She is back on the roof, bottle of vodka sandwiched between her thighs. She shivers as a light breeze blows past her. Above her, the night is still as dark as Chinese ink and there are no stars visible. Slowly, her mind drifts to that not so little girl anymore.

Even with the powerful Cat Grant pulling some strings, it took almost a year for Astra and Alex to legally adopt Lilly, the almost newborn baby Kara saved on that tragic day.

But eventually, one day, they were able to bring the little girl with them. To give her a home.

She was such a beautiful baby girl, with bright blond curls and big, shiny blues eyes. Astra called her Little angel so very often, it was like the baby didn’t even have a real name in the eyes of the Kryptonian woman.

Carter had suggested, sweet and innocent as he was back then, that they should change her name to Kiera but the look in Cat’s eyes had been so broken, so devastated. He had backtracked fast and hard, with a clumsy apology.

Since day one, Cat had noticed the resemblance between that sweet child and the late love of her life.

She tried very hard to hide it but it was both painful and relieving to be around the little girl.

Cat shivers again and looks up to the black sky. She used to love stars. Now she is just glad she can’t see any. She spend way too long staring towards the night’s sky the months after Kara’s Kryptonian funeral. Deep down she had hoped that her pod would somehow make it's way back to earth and Kara would be there. Of course that never happened, and seeing stars only made Cat feel lost now.

She smiles as she thinks about the first months of Lilly as a member of the family.

She had been a peaceful and surprisingly quiet baby, easily smiling to everyone with those azured soft eyes of her. She seemed to understand everything, even when Astra spoke to her, late at night, in soft, sad, Kryptonian words. Alex had joked she would be a piece of cake when her teenage years would come.

Carter had been so glad.

He still treats her like the little sister he never had.

 _He would never have one, now,_ Cat had thought back then while looking at her son playing with Lilly’s tiny hand.

He was so protective about her, so happy and so … full of life again. Truly, Cat is glad she had been able to help Alex and Astra achieving this adoption.

 _It is sort of a funny story, though_ , she almost smiles as she remembers how it came to be.

_*_

_**July 8th, 2020** _

Alex comes by one night after work.

_It had been almost three months since the accident._

_She is so quiet and her face is blank and Cat almost expects her to announce her break up with Astra._

_They’d been through a rough time after Kara’s death and Cat can’t blame either of them. Not when she is drowning her own sorrows in a different bottle of alcohol every night._

_But now, Alex sits down on one of the couches and tells her Astra wants to adopt the baby. At first, Cat didn’t understand._

_“What baby?” she asks with a confused frown._

  _Alex gives her a pointed look and Cat’s mind connects the dots._

That baby _, she thinks._

_The one Kara saved before dying. Alex visits the little girl every day, sometimes with Astra, sometimes alone._

_Cat had never fully understood if Alex was accomplishing some sort of repentance or if she was trying to hold on to something, but she had never asked._

  _he sighs and pours a drink for the agent without asking. Alex nods to say thanks and looks away, letting her mind wander on it's own._

_“Is that a good idea?” Cat’s voice is really cautious, not wanting to unnerve the other woman. It is a sensitive topic, she knows that much._

_“I have no freaking clue. Why wouldn’t it be?” Alex is clearly confused and a little bit annoyed by her own indecision. Cat waits, slowly playing with the amber liquid in her glass._

_“I never wanted kids.” Her voice is low, barely a murmur but Cat hears it anyway. She waits again, knowing this is the only way for making Alex talk._

_“I never … I love my mother but I saw how worried she would get whenever Kara or I would do something, even something safe. I’ve the world become a wild and dangerous place, with aliens walking on Earth like they own the place. And I’m not … I .. I don’t think, I really don’t think I’m mother material.”_

_Alex looks so small, so terrified and Cat’s heart aches for the usually strong woman._

_After the tragedy, Kara’s sister had become someone she could rely on. Cat isn't used that that, but she welcomes it anyway. Truth is, she needs it more than she’s willing to admit. It works both ways, now that Alex can’t go to Kara for advice anymore, Cat had unknowingly picked up that role._

_“Alex. Alex, look at me.” Cat’s voice is soft but firm at the time. Reluctantly, the brunette looks up to meet the blonde woman’s eyes._

_“Do you think I was? Mother material I mean?” Cat chuckles, bitterness in her throat. “You did meet my mother. You know how she is, you can surely guess how she was with me, back when I was only a child.”_

_Alex doesn’t say anything but she looks at Cat with attention, listening._

_“I gave up my first son to his father after I stopped fighting for him. I was a workaholic, you know that. So tell me. Do you think I am a bad mother for Carter, because of all that?”_

_It is a loaded question and lately, she knows she is not. Not because of those reasons but because she is truly lost without Kara. It is hard for her to just be sober. Being a good mother necessitates at least that much._

_But Alex needs a push and Cat can give it to her so, she pushes her own feelings aside for now._

_The younger woman seems outraged and a bit ferocious, too. She begins to talk, her voice carrying her passion “No, Cat, that’s not what I meant! You know that, come on. It’s just … You’re a good mother. You’re here and you were always there for him. But … I am a DEO agent, I’m a field agent and Astra …”_

_Astra doesn’t work for the DEO anymore. She has a job in National City Museum as an astrologist. She studies star maps and planets all day long and she hosts conference and charity events some nights._

_Cat had been fairly fascinated by the charm the woman seemed to give off. When she hosted the CatCo gala last December she had done a marvelous job. True, she was pretty drunk by the end of it but she had to admit, Astra had been really good at this new position._

_“Astra is pushing me to leave the DEO.” Alex ends in a whisper._

_Cat arches a eyebrow and muttered “So, that’s what this is about.”_

_A flash of annoyance flickers through Alex’s eyes but she doesn’t say anything._

_“What do you want, Alex? I know you’re not happy anymore, working for the DEO.” Cat had noticed the change the first few weeks after the accident. Alex had been slow and hollow, barely able to answer the phone when Hank called for a mission._

_“I … I don’t know?” Alex’s eyes are a little bit glassy but she blinks a few times to keep the tears at bay. “I don’t … I think I’ll leave the DEO, yeah. But …”_

_“No buts, Alex. You’re a scientist, a genius scientist and it’s not like this city isn’t full of opportunities. If you are going to adopt this baby girl, you need to think of her first. So no more near-death experience for you, Agent Danvers. It’s time to be Doctor Danvers, now.” Cat says with force, drowning the rest of her scotch in one fluid movement._

_Alex looks at her, surprise etched on her face. Cat smiles._

_Eventually, Alex smiles back. She raises her glass like as if she is going to make a toast but says nothing, simply drinking it. Then, she replies, “Doctor Danvers I will be, then. Thank you, Cat.”_

_She pours herself another drink and then asks “Will you help us with the adoption process?” There is a tiny bit of hope in her voice and Cat nods._

_“I will.”_

*

**Present day**

Cat looks back down on the city. Dark silhouettes of high buildings, some of those lightened up by thousands of bright windows, are drawn under the not so dark sky anymore.

Morning is still far away and she thinks of her sweet boy.

He had always been a heavy sleeper, even as a baby. At the time, she had been surprised and then, as time went by, she had been truly, truly grateful for that.

The last time she had spoken to Carter was around 10 am. He had called to say he couldn’t make it today, like he usually did. It’s been ten years, but until today, he had never missed any of those sad anniversaries.

She had told him not to worry, that she would be fine. Her voice hadn’t even wavered when she had told him that blatant lie.

He had believed her.

She feels guilty but she knows, deep down, that it is not much of a lie, after all. She will be fine, in the end.

He had apologized way too many times, telling her he was trapped in some boring meeting about figures and graphs. She had almost laughed at that, knowing all too well how her son didn’t like any of the economical business stuff that was part of owning your own company. Oh, she knows he is stubborn and as ambitious as she was once, but the concrete, mathematical part of his business is still boring the hell out of him.

She had tried once or twice to explain to him how it worked but it never really fit in Carter artistic mind. He is obtuse to this kind of business.

 _Always the artist_ , she thinks tenderly.

Suddenly, she remembers. He did tell her he would call later tonight. She checks her phone, having trouble to focus on the screen though her blurred vision. No missed calls.

She frowns, trying to remember something but her mind is drowning in alcohol.

With trembling fingers, she unlocks her phone and goes to the clock app. Carter is in another timezone and to him, it’s already verging on the end of the morning.

He should call anytime soon now.

She would love to hear her son’s voice one last time.

_*_

**September 1st, 2020**

_Cat crosses her arms as she waits for the elevator. She takes the normal one, thinking it would be inappropriate if she used her personal one. It’s not hers anymore, hasn’t been for the past few weeks. It’s Lucy’s elevator now, not that the woman ever uses it._

_The doors slide open and Cat lets out a relieved breath when she sees the elevator is empty. She isn't ready to face anyone yet, let alone any of her former employees. She is exhausted from putting on a mask to make it seem like she’s fine. She is not fine, but she needs everyone else to believe that she is._

_Right before the doors open she plasters on a smile, hoping it doesn't look as fake as it feels. The familiarity of the office hits her harder than she expected. It still looks the same, smells the same and even sounds the same. Clicking of keyboards and buzzing conversations reach her ears and leaves an ache in her chest._

_She fought so hard to get her own company, her own building, to be respected. And now it’s no longer hers to control or have. She wants to turn around and run back home, back to her bed and the bottles of scotch and the sheets that still smell a little like Kara._

_But she pushes on, she has to. She’s been putting this off for days and she can’t avoid it any longer. She strides out of the elevator and onto the floor. At first no one seems to notice her, but when they set their eyes on her they abruptly halt their conversations and lay down their previous occupations._

_Her step falters and she sways a little. Maybe having a drink before eating breakfast wasn't such a good idea. In the far back she can hear people whisper and some even dare to point at her. When she glares at them they falter and quickly turn back to their computer screens._

_Even in this state they're still scared of her. She probably looks like a walking corpse, she certainly feels like one. But no one comes to her. They all sit there with their looks of pity and their sad smiles. As if they know what it's like, how she feels. She wishes it would be acceptable to slap them, or to fire them on the spot. But she's not their boss anymore. She also knows that deep down she's being irrational but she can’t find herself to care._

_It takes two excruciatingly awkward minutes for Lucy to spot her and wave her over._

_“Hey,” Lucy says as Cat walks into the office, voice soft, “you alright? You look like you could use some sleep.”_

_Cat wants to scream and tear her own eyes out, but she doesn't. Instead, she stays quiet and looks down._

_Lucy gets up from the chair behind her desk and walks over to Cat, stopping mere inches from her. Before Cat can process the close proximity, Lucy wraps her arms firmly around Cat’s body. The woman pulls her close and Cat rests her chin on the taller woman’s shoulder. She doesn't care about the glass walls and the dozens of people who can see her._

_After a few seconds she reaches up and wraps her own arms around Lucy. It feels weird to be this close to someone else again. Not even Carter had held her like this since Kara died._

_She feels her resolve crumble and she takes a step back before she starts crying. She knows her face is giving her emotions away, but no one except Lucy is close enough to see it. She takes a deep breath, ignoring the way it gets stuck in her throat. Wiping at her eyes she looks up._

_“You wanted to see me?” She asks, voice trembling ever so slightly._

_“Yes, let’s go to the balcony for some privacy.”_

_Cat follows Lucy through her office and out onto the balcony. It’s still relatively warm outside for September, but Cat shivers none the less. Her eyes drift over to the edge and her mind takes her back to the countless times Kara flew over it to land on Cat’s balcony. If it was to pick her up, drop her off or just to come visit, Kara prefered to enter this way._

_Maybe it was the effortless way Kara floated in the air that made Cat feel warm inside, or just the fact that she looked so damn good in her Supergirl suit, but Cat loved it just as much as Kara did._

_A faint smile grazes her lips, and she is so sunken in her thoughts that she completely misses the first thing Lucy says to her._

_“Cat? Are you listening?” Lucy looks concerned._

_“Sorry, continue.” Cat says absentmindedly._

_“So I was saying, Neither Alex or James have heard from Winn and since I can’t keep his position open forever, I decided to interview others for the job. I think that if he wanted to come back, he would have done so by now.”_

_Cat nods but her attention strays towards Winn. The cardigan hobbit had left National City shortly after the funeral. He’d told everyone he would travel around for a while and he promised to stay in contact whenever he could._

_He had gotten onto a plane to Australia one rainy Thursday afternoon, and that was the last thing everyone saw and heard of him. It had been over a year since he left, and not once had he called or send a postcard._

_Cat had lost count of how many times she fantasized about doing the exact same thing. Jumping on a plane to nowhere and just disappearing for a while. One day she almost went through with it. She had bought ticket, packed her bags and disconnected her phone. But then Carter came home from school crying, and Cat realized how stupid her plan had been._

_She had too many responsibilities here still, she couldn't just pack up and leave. That was the last time she thought about leaving. Every time since then when the urge to run became overwhelming, she thought of Carter, and how he still needed her._

_Lucy places a hand on Cat’s knee, and Cat jumps up. “Are you sure you’re alright, Cat? We can do this another time, there’s no rush.”_

_Cat shakes her head, “no, that wouldn’t be fair to you.”_

_“This is not about me. CatCo is yours until you sign that document, I wouldn't blame you if you took some extra days to think about it. It's a big decision.”_

_Cat looks into those big brown eyes that are staring back at her, and she almost breaks down into tears again. Handing over her company, her_ life, _to Lucy had been one of the hardest decisions in her life. But also one of the best._

_She knew she couldn't do it anymore. She wasn't capable of placing work before herself anymore. With a business as big as CatCo you couldn't get away with doing the bare minimum. The brand needed more than that, more than Cat was able to give it._

_So a few weeks ago she picked up the phone to call Lucy with an ache in her heart and led in her arms. She had only been slightly drunk at that time, and for some reason she made it through the whole conversation without crying or snapping once._

_And now she was here, on the balcony of a building she no longer owned, sitting opposite of the woman now running her media empire. Well, the woman who was_ almost _running her empire. She still had to sign the legal documents. It had been the thing she had been dreading for days, but it was time. Time to hand over her life’s work to a woman she didn't even know that well._

_But Lucy had been the obvious choice. The woman had been by Cat’s side through it all. The early days of the relationship between Kara and her, the innocent flirting turning into love, the wedding, the accident, the funeral._

_Lucy is the woman Cat trusts most with CatCo, and she knows that Lucy will make the brand great again. And it needs that, it needs someone who can give it all she has. Lucy is that person._

_So even though it pains Cat to step away, it also gives her peace knowing that her baby is in good hands._

_She doesn't even notice Lucy leaving, but Cat’s eyes shoot up when the woman returns with a stack of papers in her hand. Even without asking, Cat knows what those papers are. Lucy places them on the small glass table and has to keep her hand on them to prevent them from being blown away by the wind._

_For a split second Cat wishes she would lift her hand, let the documents fly away like dead leaves in the fall. She would crush them with her feet and laugh at the way they would crumble and tear apart under her shoes._

_The thought leaves her a second later, and she rubs her sweaty hands over her jeans in an attempt to make them dry so the pen won’t slip from between her fingers when she signs her name under the documents._

_Lucy slides them over to where she sits, meeting Cat’s eyes and giving her a reassuring smile._

_“You did good, you know that, right?”_

_Cat only nods._

_“This will take away a lot of pressure and stress.”_

_“I know,” Cat mumbles. She knows it will also take away her purpose in life, the only reason she gets up in the morning. Besides Carter, of course. But in a way, her son and her business are two completely different things, and it wouldn't be right to compare them._

_She digs up a pen from her purse and clicks it once so the tip comes out. She twirls it a few times before lowering it down to the paper. The dotted line stares back at her and she forgets how to breath._

Go on, do it. _She sternly tells herself inside her head._ It's too late to back out now. Do it.

_In one fluid motion, she signs her name and drops the pen. It clatters against the glass table top and rolls away. She refuses to look at the scribble of blue ink, so she looks up at Lucy._

_The woman smiles, albeit a bit sad. “Do you feel better now?”_

_No, Cat wants to say. How could I feel better after giving away what I’ve worked for for so long?_

_But she nods and breaks out a watery smile. In a haze she lets Lucy lead her back inside, out of the office and back to the elevator. She only notices once she’s standing in front of it that it's her private one._

_“I thought you’d like some privacy,” Lucy whispers._

_“Thank you,” Cat manages to bring out._

_“No need to thank me. I’ll call you later, okay?” Lucy rubs her back gently. “Take care of yourself.”_

_Cat steps in the private elevator for the last time. And as the doors slide shut and the view of the work floor dissapears inch by inch, a single tear runs down her cheek._

_Silently, she says goodbye to the past 30 years of her life._

_*_

**Present day**

As she sits on the roof, she thinks of the past few months and how much had changed in such a short time. They had celebrated Lilly’s birthday and Cat had tried to smile the whole day.

The little girl reminded her uncanningly much of Kara, not only did she look like the woman who saved her life all those years ago, she also acted like her. Like Kara, the girl was selflessness and goofy. Smiles just as bright and her laugh was just as infectious and innocent.

Cat loves her. Lilly had unknowingly become the embodiment of everything Kara had been and believed in. Maybe Alex and Astra raised her like that, or maybe that was just who she was.

Their little makeshift family had grown closer over the years, and even Cat had started to feel comfortable around them. She and Alex had formed some sort of mutual understanding. Neither were calling it friendship, but both were satisfied with the nature of their relationship. (Most of it considered of drunk pick ups from bars late at night, but it was done without question.)

Astra had come with Alex. Cat wasn’t overly fond of the Kryptonian woman, but she was Kara’s only living blood relative, so Cat accepted her. She enjoyed listening to stories from both women about Kara when she was younger. Even if it made her cry.

Carter had been the only one who kept her grounded throughout the endless months. He had been the only reason she hadn’t given up already. She thinks of her sweet little boy who is not so little anymore.

After finishing college with a degree in art and business, he had followed in both Cat’s and Kara’s footsteps. He was now the youngest ever to open his own gallery and Cat couldn’t be prouder. Time had treated him right. He had grown in confidence and even found himself a girlfriend. He had proposed to her last month, and was planning to move to the other side of the country.

Cat had cried when he told her. Of course she was happy for him, he had a chance of having everything she had lost. Her son was all grown up now, and she had to learn to live with that. That didn’t make watching him leave hurt any less.

When he had seen her cry, he had offered to stay. He was so much more than she deserved, and it had only made her cry harder. It had felt good to cry after months of feeling nothing. Carter didn’t understand, he never had. He had dealt with the loss in a completely different way. Though they had been a comfort to each other, their relationship had changed and never went back to how it had been before.

She had told him to go, follow his heart and be happy. He had looked down but he had smiled, and Cat knew she made the right choice. He deserved a chance to _live_ without the feeling of loss weighing him down every moment of every day. Cat knew she was responsible for most of the load he had to haul around with him all the time, and she didn’t blame him for wanting to leave.

He had left shortly after their conversation, and that night Cat drank herself into oblivion.

_*_

**September 15th, 2024**

_A small smile ghosts Cat’s lips when she hears the first notes of Für Elise coming from Carter’s painting studio._

_Four years ago, she would have gotten mad at him and demanded he’d shut it down but now, she was almost enjoying the music again. Almost._

_It was one of Kara’s favorite pieces of classical music. Cat was never really fond of it, finding it too smooth and too conventional but Kara could listen to it for hours. She liked the lullaby, the soft notes and the escalades, the way it lulled her in a state of peace. Above all, she loved to paint while listening to it._

_She would play with her brush or pencil alongside the notes, first with delicacy and then with energy, following every rhythm and every pause. In the end, she would create a masterpiece._

_Cat had been the one to buy a couch for the studio to watch Kara paint. It had always, always been fascinating._

_But Kara was dead and now, it was Carter’s studio. Kara would have loved this idea._

_For a while after the accident, Carter had been quiet. Too quiet._

_She shouldn’t have been surprised. He had been her son in every single way, bottling up his emotions and not letting anyone in. His school grades had started to fall, dramatically. He’d refused to answer to any of his teachers. Every day, when school was over , he would come home to his bedroom, door resolutely closed._

_She had tried, even as she was dealing with her own sorrows. She really had tried to get him to talk._

_But he wouldn’t talk to anyone and she was so worried she reached out to Alex for help. The younger woman had been really great with the young boy, talking with him but not expecting any answers. In the end, she had told Cat it would be a good idea for Carter to see a psychotherapist. At first, Cat refused but Carter himself had asked for a shrink and she couldn’t deny him one._

_With time, day after day, Carter had started to get better, to talk again, to smile again. She was really grateful to Alex for that._

_He is a painter, like Kara was. Although, his art is darker and filled with more negative emotions than Supergirl’s. It took him a year and half to show anything to his mother, not because he thought she wouldn’t like it but because he had been terrified it would be a too painful remember of her lover’s work._

_And it is._

_He is as talented as Kara had been, with a slightly more forced trait. Kara was always soft and sweet, in the way she would hold and apply the brush on the canvas._

_Carter is more enraged, brutal, sharp. He puts all of his passion and all of his anger in painting and the outcome is generally something so very emotional that it is exhausting just to look at it._

_“Mom?” Carter’s voice is one of a young man now. He is a real teenager, tall and lanky with his bright blue eyes partly hidden under some too long light brown curls. He is way much taller than her now and she does have to look up when she talks to him._

_He is eighteen and he is beautiful._

_“Yes, sweetheart?” she answered, arching a questioning brow._

_She almost smiled when he winced a little, frowning. He had told her he was too old for those nicknames but she would have none of it, so she kept using them._

_Because he is all grown up, now._

_Sometime, she misses her little thirteen year old boy, the one with a slightly chubby face, a mischievous smile and a bright optimistic sparkle in his eyes. Life happened and he is more cynical now, it shows in his teenage features. A very discret frown between his eyes and the once bright blue now receded to a deep stormy ocean. A sardonic smile had taken over the wide, innocent one but Cat remembers it like it was yesterday._

_“I’m heading out for dinner, I’m meeting some friends in town.” He is watching her closely with concern etched on his face._

_She knows he is worried for her._

_She also knows he is the one to put the empty bottles in the trash can in the morning. It is him who leaves an advil on her nightstand with a glass of water when she is sleeping off her hangover, before going to school. He never says a word to her but he is here, tidying after her, taking care of her even if it should be the other way around._

_She didn’t say anything about that, simply telling him instead “Have fun, dear. Be home before midnight?”_

_He rolls his eyes but nods anyway, grabbing his wallet and his jacket before leaving the penthouse._

_She hates the silence so much. She always had, even when she was still the Queen of all media. With the constant buzzing noise of several TV’s, computers and phones, and the permanent move of her employees, the chatting of the news never coming to a stop. Never._

_Now more than ever, she hates the sound of the emptiness that filled the apartment._

_Standing up from the couch, she walks to Carter’s painting studio and approaches the stereo. She hesitates for a second before pushing the play button._

_Für Elise echoes through the room again._

_*_

**Present day**

Cat bites her lip and closes her eyes for a second. A full bladder has been bothering her for a while now, and she ponders if it's worth the trouble to go to the bathroom. She knows walking in her state of intoxication is quite the undertaking, but she decides to go anyway.

With a lot of stumbling and walking into almost everything in her path, she makes it to the bathroom. She lets out a relieved sigh when she sits down on the cold toilet seat. She rests her head in her hands and doesn't open her eyes until she has to get up again.

When she’s reaches on the balcony she sits back down, she notices the stone edge is cold, but it doesn't bother her. Her body is it's own furnace, keeping her warm enough not to be uncomfortable.

Her thoughts wander to Carter for the what feels like the tenth time that night. She knows that she would have never done this if she hadn't been sure he would be fine without her. Sure, he would be heartbroken, but he would be able to move on.

He has a wonderful life, he has a girlfriend who would soon become his wife. Cat feels a stab in her stomach when she realizes she won't be there for the wedding, but she quickly pushes that thought far back into her mind. Sierra is a wonderful person, and Carter is so lucky he found he.

She remembers him bringing her home for the first time, only two weeks after they had started dating. Carter had been so sure that she was the one for him, that he couldn't wait for his mother to meet her.

Sierra is short but lean. Her dark skin glows in the sun, and Cat envies the way her hair always seemed to be on point. Her eyes are a light shade of blue, and if you’re not careful, you’ll drown in them. Her voice is smooth but light, and when she laughs her whole body joins. Being in Sierra’s company cheers up everyone in a ten mile radius, or so it feels.

She is athletic and loves to read. Her love for dogs and steak always made Carter laugh. She and Carter are perfect for each other.

They met in college, and when Carter had started to work for the local gallery, she had found a job in a comic book store. From 9 to 5 she sold other people’s comics, and when she got home she made her own. She hadn't had her big break yet, but with her talent and imagination it wouldn't take long before someone noticed her.

Carter had won the lottery with this girl, and even though Cat would never meet her grandchildren, she knows they would both be amazing parents.

Carter’s life was about to start. Hers was about to end. The irony of the situation almost made her laugh.

*

**June 13th, 2029**

_Cat wakes up to a pounding noise that won’t stop. She squints her eyes and immediately closes them when she notices she forgot to close the drapes. The light blinds her and makes her head hurt. Her mouth is dry and she feels too sick to move._

_The banging stops but is replaced with the buzzing of her phone._

_“Hello?” Cat groans into what she hopes is her cellphone._

_“Cat, I can hear you talk through the door so I know you’re home. Let me in.”_

_“Good morning to you too, Danvers.”_

_“Let me in, will you.” It’s not even a question._

_Cat ends the call and tries to sit up. Her head swims and her vision is unclear, but she keeps going. With eyes half closed and her arms pressed against her stomach to suppress the undeniable qeasiness of a hangover, she makes her way from the couch to the front door._

_She opens the door and finds Alex on the other side, looking concerned. When the other woman’s eyes widen considerably, Cat knows she must look like shit._

_“You okay?” Alex asks while moving past her into the livingroom._

_“Hmm,” Cat replies._

_She sits down on the couch and sags against the pillows. Before she knows it, Alex hands her a glass of water and two Advils and goes to sit on the other end. Close enough to keep an eye on her, but far enough not to intrude in Cat’s personal space._

_“Want to talk about it?”_

_“No.”_

_“Okay.”_

_They sit in silence for a while. The painkillers and the glass of water is making Cat feel a bit less hungover and she almost thanks Alex. She knows the other woman will just shrug it off and tell her its what Kara would have wanted her to do, and Cat can’t bear to hear Kara’s name spoken out loud today. At least not so early in the morning._

_After a while, it’s Cat who breaks the silence,_

_“What are you doing here?” The sounds coming from her throat sound rough._

_“You didn’t answer any of my calls this morning, so I thought I’d drop by to see if you’ were still alive.”_

_Cat chuckles humorlessly, “you think I wouldn’t be?”_

_“To be honest, I’m not even sure you are willing to keep fighting these days.”_

_Cat doesn't reply, and Alex continues._

_“Sometimes it feels like you're slipping away a little more each day. You don't leave the house, you don't call, you barely eat, you are more often drunk than you are sober. You’re worrying me, Cat.”_

_Cat’s eyes shoot up, headache be damned. Her eyes find Alex’ face and she looks for signs that she’s lying. She doesn't find any. What she does find are lines of worry around her eyes, dark shadows underlining them and lips thin with stress. Cat wonders when she started looking so old and weary._

_“Look, I know these months are hard, especially this year,” Cat flinches visibly, “but you can’t give up. Not now, not after all we’ve been through together. We all care about you, Cat, and we don't want you to shut us out.”_

_Cat stands up and turns away from the woman sitting on her couch, fists clenched tightly and hanging by her sides. She knows Alex is right, but she’ll never admit it._

_“Can you leave now?” she tries to say without her voice breaking._

_“Cat, please I’m just trying to help-”_

_“I don't need your help, I’m doing perfectly fine. Not all of us had the same luck after that accident, and you will just have to accept that I do things differently than you.”_

It’s a low blow, and Cat tries to ignore the sharp intake of breath Alex is trying very hard to hide. Her tone was sharp and biting, and she knows she hit close to home.

 _She hears Alex get up and walk towards the front door, opening it without hesitation. Cat waits for the door to click shut, but when it doesn't come, she turns around._ Mistake. _Alex stands there with tears in her eyes and her lip trembling, clutching the door handle harder than necessary._

_“I haven't given up on you, Cat. And you shouldn't give up on yourself either.”_

_With those words Alex turns around and closes the door, leaving Cat behind in an empty apartment. She doesn't want to cry, so instead she reaches for the half empty bottle of scotch still standing on the living room table and gulps it down all at once._

_She gave up a long time ago._

_*_

**Present day**

She wants to jumps because maybe Kara is still alive and catches her before she hits the pavement below. She wants to jumps because it will make her feel like she’s flying, makes her feel weightless in the last moments of her life.

She places the empty glass next to her, hands shaking. She balls them into fists and hits her upper legs, hard. The shaking stops, she is ready. Even though it’s the middle of the night and there is a light breeze, she doesn't feel cold anymore.

She stands up and turns, facing the open balcony door of her apartment. The lights inside are still on, and it gives the room a homely glow. If she squints, she can see still Kara move around, paintbrush in hand, smile on her face. It brings tears to her eyes, so she shuts them.

She can feel the humid summer wind blowing around her, tickling her fingers and messing up her hair. She spreads out her arms at both sides and smiles. The weight on her shoulders vanishes like snow in the spring.

The wind whistles in her ears as she flies, falls, _plummets_ to her death. Right before she knows she should hit the ground, she feels two strong arms wrap around her waist, her girlfriend's smell invading her nostrils and her voice whispering in her ear. With the solid warmth pressed against her back he feels almost peaceful.

And then everything blacks out and she’s gone.

On the edge of the balcony her phone comes to live, showing an incoming call.

Carter’s name flashes across the screen, but there’s no one there to answer.

_*_

**August 20th, 2019**

_Cat rolls onto her side, sliding her arm over Kara’s waist. “Are you ready for tomorrow?” She asks, smile on her lips._

_Kara traces patterns on Cat’s lower arm, soft touches accompanied by a deep sigh, “Tomorrow you'll become mine for the rest of our lives, of course I’m ready. Are you?”_

_“I’ve been ready for the past three years, Kara. Tomorrow can’t come fast enough for me.”_

_“I know, I can’t wait either,” Kara beams at her, “tomorrow is going to be the best day of our lives, isn't it?”_

_“Yeah,” Cat yawns._

_She’s pretty sure she has never felt this happy. before. Her life is complete. She has a loving family and tomorrow she is going to get married to the love of her life. It couldn't get much better than this, she thinks._

_“Let’s get some sleep, we wouldn't want you to be all cranky in the morning.” Kara chuckles._

_“Don’t push it, you're lucky I love you.”_

_“I know I am. The luckiest woman alive.”_

_Cat closes her eyes, contently letting herself sink further into Kara’s embrace, “I’m so happy I found you,” she says._

_“Me too,I’m also glad that you build up enough courage to finally kiss me after months of tension.”_

_Cat laughs and pushes back against Kara’s front lightly._

_“Now lets sleep,” Kara continues, “It’ll be morning before we know it”_

_“Sleep well, Kara.”_

_“Sleep well, Cat, I love you.”_

_“I love you too, and I will love you forever.”_

_“Sap,” Kara laughs._

_“Shut up.”_

_She falls asleep being held by two strong arms and with soft puffs of air being blown against the back of her neck._

_Tomorrow she gets to say ‘I do’ and live out the rest of her life with Kara. She doesn't think she’ll ever stop smiling._

**…**

**Dyin' ain't so bad**

**Not if you both go together**

**Only when one's left behind**

**Does it get sad**

 

**Author's Note:**

> This is what you get when you let us write a story where we can live out our most angsty fantasies. For the sake of the fandom, don’t let us near a computer ever again. We can’t help it, and we are a little bit sorry. Not very much though.
> 
> Come find us on tumblr, faeyydom and lost-your-memory. You are allowed to scream at us.


End file.
